Body Language And Attraction (part 2)
This Article: Break the brat barrier, How to feel confident, Don't turn into a wussy
<< This article is continued from this page
***QUESTION***
Dave,
I read your newsletters religiously and they have come in quite handy, I gotta say.
A two mos. ago, a friend and I were in a coffee shop when he spotted a female acquaintance of his. He talked to her a bit and said, "This is my friend...". I look at her and say, "What's up? I'm D."
This girl gives me the bitchiest look I've ever seen and in her most appalled tone of voice she says, "Ummmmmm, WHAT'S UP?"....as if I should address her, "Your Highness". "What do you want me to do [her name], bow down and kiss your hand, your Highness?"...when I said this, she was in shock b/c I just tore down her brat barrier and she tried to regain composure.
Well sometime later, we fooled around some and got along pretty well.
The catch is, after we fool around she gets clingy (like some wussy guy would do). Dave, have I dug a hole for myself with this? I'd rather give up the action than have some brat getting all emotional and clingy for me...what do you say?
Cheers,
D. Indiana
David D:
Yea, this is a funny thing. If you bust a stuck-up woman's chops enough to break through the "Brat Barrier", as you call it, she'll often become VERY attached to you. It's almost as if attractive women have been walking around challenging every man they meet, and when you meet the challenge she rolls over.
And I'll tell you what, I'd rather give up a woman than have her be emotionally needy and clingy myself.
You just have to figure out why she's being clingy... is it because she's a damaged person on the inside, because you led her to believe that you wanted a relationship, or some other reason, and do what makes sense. Good job busting through the "Brat Barrier". I might just steal that name...
***QUESTION***
Hey Dave,
First off, mad props for taking the time to write a book that everyone can read and use. I have yet to buy it (next week I will though - payday), but I have been receiving your newsletters and enjoying the material in there.
Now after receiving your emails for a few weeks, I decided to try using the cocky and funny approach on every girl I came across (I've always been too shy to do this consistently.. only situationally).
So I did this at work, at coffee shops, at the bar, you name it. I hadn't tried the email/number techniques yet though. And I had only been doing this for a week when I happened to meet a girl that was incredibly attractive, smart, and just the complete package.
So she received my largest C&F effort yet. It worked like a charm! We talked for only a few minutes the first time we met but I left an impression. The second time we met, we chatted and joked around for a few hours and I asked her on a date, which she readily accepted.
So we went on that date, and things went great. I was nervous about going out with her, but from the start I made the decision that I wanted to use her for practise. I know that sounds bad to alot of people, but it's more of a frame of mind than anything else.
So anyhow, we went to dinner first (yeah - I know), we talked, we joked, we had a good time. Then we went to a movie (which was originally the plan, to just go see this movie we both wanted to see, and that was all.. the dinner was tacked on by her really), and I tried a form of a kiss test.
Since we had already reached a level of comfort/friendliness through conversation, it was time to check out physical playfulness. So during the movie (comedy), there were a lot of funny moments as expected.
Well, one of them was hilarious and we both went nuts laughing, so I did the laugh and slap your own leg thing.. except I used her leg. And I did it lightly enough so that it won't leave a mark, but stung a bit.
Which is what I wanted actually. She responded by saying "hey, that hurt!" while smiling at me, so I said "oh, poor baby, want me to kiss it better?". She got off on my playfulness and raised her leg up so I could kiss it.
So I kissed her leg, and I said "There you go kid, all better!", and I followed that up with "I hope I don't have to hit you in the face to get a kiss!":) I still laugh when I think of that one. She thought that was so funny she just cracked right up, it was great! A little off the wall, but great! Then I just waited for the next funny part, which was like, 10 seconds later, and I looked into her eyes, down to her lips, and back to her eyes, and kissed her. She was incredibly responsive.
Now, I'm talking in slow motion here because that portion setup what has been a great thing between myself and this girl since that date. But I need to fast forward to the problem part.
So to fill in the gaps in a rather boring fashion, the date led to a next day hot-tub at her place (she called me), and sex the day after that. She was completely into me. We had spent almost every single day together for the next 3 weeks. Anytime I tried to take a day off, she wouldn't have any of that. The sex was amazing, and got better and better each time.
And that all led to the problem:
She through me a wicked wicked curv ball that I didn't expect or see coming, and I didn't react the way I should have.
She not only came out and said 'I love you', she followed that up with 'I think you are the one '!!! That is some deep, serious shit right there. That through me off my game big time.
It was like being at the plate with no bat while Randy Johnson throws fastballs at me. 'Holy shit!'
I ended up having a day (the next day), where I really needed to be alone, and quiet, to contemplate this whole scene.
Unfortunately, she said those words while we were on a camping trip... so when I was acting quiet and distant, she didn't know what to do. She hadn't seen me like that. So I played it off like I was grumpy.
That wasn't really the best move, but I was feeling confused. Here I have this amazing chick who has just said some incredibly huge words to me. I was stuck, and it turned me into a wuss again:(
That day of the camping trip sucked, and it was a short camping trip (arrived friday night, left sunday morning), so it wasn't a very good one. The friday night was amazing, but what she said setup the confusion for the rest of it.
So on the Monday after we got back, we sat down and talked, and decided that it was much too early for that and we should take a step back and hold the 'I love you' stuff for another time.
Well, that lasted until that friday when she came over and said "I've been thinking about this alot, and I am SO in love with you. I know we said we didn't want to go there, but you are just so amazing I can't picture my life without you." Another curv ball. Another wussifying statement.
And once again, I felt confused and a little overwhelmed. She has everything I want in a woman, and she's telling me that I'm what she wants in a man. Well, that changed all too quickly.
I turned into a wuss. For some dumb reason, I felt that her confessions of love required me to be more sentimental, caring, and lubby dubby. What the hell was I thinking!!! Exactly one week after that, and about 4 days of me being completely off my game and catering to her needs, she decides that she has lost the attraction.
She didn't say exactly that, but it was obvious by our sex life which all of a sudden disappeared.
So we discussed it, and she felt like being with me was like "training a puppy" because I lacked confidence in my actions. At that point, I knew she was right because lately, I wasn't acting confident in my actions. I let all of my actions and decisions take her feelings into consideration first, which ends up making me hesitate and appear to lack confidence.
At the same time, during the 3 or 4 days prior to that talk, she had stopped liking my jokes and taking things offensively. I was not impressed with that. So I brought that up after her "training a puppy" comment, and I followed it up with a "you know what... we're done."
And that was it, I broke up with her. Now I'm sitting here thinking about how amazing this girl is, and how the only reason we aren't together is because I acted like a wuss after the "I love you"'s came out.
The thing is, everyone around us seen a strong love between myself and this girl, and nobody can believe it turned out like this. Neither can I, but at least I know why.
Problem now, is that I know that we had a strong love (as early as it was), and I want that back. I know how wussy that sounds, but I feel like this ended prematurely. I feel confident that I can go out and get numbers and get dates, etc... but it doesn't feel right at this point.
I am tempted to call her and at least say "It's too bad things didn't work out between us, but I would like to remain friends, blaw blaw blaw...".
It has only been a little over a day since we broke up (sunday now, and we broke up friday night), so I don't know if I should even bother calling her, or if I should wait a couple days to see if she calls me, or whatever.
I don't want to wait to be honest. Despite what happened this past week, she is still someone that is incredibly special. No other girl I've met has had her qualities. Which is what makes this so damn tough. So any advice you can throw me is more than appreciated. What should I do here Dave?
Thanks,
J.
David D:
Your letter was long, but I had to include it. Let this be a lesson to you...
DON'T TURN INTO A WUSSY.
Don't do it.
And the most important reason is the one you've demonstrated with your situation: Because you'll screw up the one situation that really matters, when and if it comes. Women are NOT attracted to WUSSIES. And men tend to start acting like wussies when they really like a girl.
Here's what to do:
1) Don't call her.
2) Go date other women, IMMEDIATELY.
3) If you talk to her again because you ran into her or she calls you, MENTION THAT YOU'RE DATING OTHER WOMEN, AND DO THE THINGS YOU DID WHEN YOU FIRST MET HER THAT ATTRACTED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE. (If you don't hear from her for a few weeks or a month, you may call her ONCE.)
4) Write "I will not act like a WUSS-BAG again." 1,000 times.
Now, go and be a Wussy no more.
***QUESTION***
Hey there David. Great work! I love your mailbags and tips. They are very informative and useful and have worked wonders for my dating life. Anyways, to the point. I wanted to share a good C+F line that has worked more than I expected it to... And yes, I thought of it. It works good for guys who have to overcome shyness as well. Okay it goes something like this.
The girl you are talking to knows you are shy. So you bust on her with C+F a bit then you mention that you are kind of different when you get to know people better. Then you say I guess I'm like M&M's.
You got to get past that hard candy shell and get to the sweet, sweet, chocolatty center (And say sweet, sweet, chocolatty center in a Homer Simpson voice if you want. I find it makes it funnier).
They nearly always laugh at this one. Then you say something to the effect of I'm not even going to get into how else I'm like M&M's. 95% of chicks get this... And it's got me to my final destination many a time. ;Þ ...
You can even follow up if they make a comment that I hate how women see me as some type of sexual object; a piece of meat if you will. (And in a sorta whiney but funny voice), ITS SO DEGRADING! They love that :P
Thanks for everything Dave and keep up the great work... I'm saving up for your book but I'm hella poor so it might take a couple of weeks. LOL.
T.
BC, Canada
David D:
Nice! I love comments that turn typical female ideas around and make fun of them... Like saying "I hate that women only see me as some type of sexual object... like a piece of meat" etc. And the M&M comment is subtle, but nice.
Good work, keep it up!
This article is continued on this page >>
By the way, I am getting some KILLER letters from guys who have listened to my Advanced Series who are TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY by what they're learning. I put a lot of time, effort, and energy to create this series, and as far as I'm concerned you won't find ANYTHING like it in the entire world. And you can bet your last pickup line that I've looked. Make sure you check out the free samples when you visit:
...and I also recommend my eBook "Double Your Dating".
If you're just getting started with these materials and you'd like
to learn the basics, that's the place to start is right
here.